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It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.
There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.
1. Our boss hired his emotionally unstable son to work with us
First off, thanks so much for answering my question and publishing it for others to chime in on. Reading the input from you and the commenters made me feel much better about my difficult position, and what I should expect from myself and others.
Phil still works in the lab, still under his dad. Since writing my letter there haven’t been any major repercussions, but also no major outbursts, luckily. I don’t think anybody ever explicitly brought up the issue to Cyrus. Phil has been doing OK work but still gets away with things that he probably couldn’t if he wasn’t the boss’ son. He sleeps in his office while “attending webinars.” He was also taking days off when he had no available PTO, but Ezra found an ally in Phil’s de juro manager who helped curb some of that.
I’m pretty sure that nothing further will be done to try to rectify Phil’s behavior or Cyrus’ transgression in hiring him, because everyone in the lab is leaving or planning to leave! Ezra found another job and Edward is leaving to focus on med school applications. Sam will be on paternity leave in December and told me he’ll be searching for a new position while he’s off.
As for me, I was encouraged by the comments assuring me it was time to go. I came across a really interesting position, read every AAM post about applying/interviewing, and got the job. It’s still in academic research so the raise is modest, but it’s in a really impactful field I have been interested in since high school but never had the chance to pursue. Also, for the first time in my STEM career, I’ll be able to work with other women of color, which I’m really excited for. I start this coming Monday, wish me luck!
That’s every single full-time employee in the lab (besides Phil) with one or both feet out the door. I’ve heard rumors through the grapevine of the lab shutting down entirely. I think there are alarm bells ringing in admin – my grand-boss, whom I never met in my ~3 years working there, asked to arrange a call with me. She also asked Ezra for an exit interview. As far as I know, before this she’s never asked to talk to any of the employees that resigned from our lab. Since it’s after my official last day I wasn’t obligated to but I agreed to do it, maybe against my better judgement. Out of a self-interested desire to move on smoothly, my strategy is to not bring up anything controversial if not directly asked about it. I have no idea if my grand-boss even knows that Cyrus hired his son.
This whole situation was a dose of reality for me and a lesson that sometimes, the best solution for yourself is to just move on. It was tough to become disillusioned about my ‘dream job’, but this situation may end up being the catalyst for significant development in my career. I really loved my coworkers and I wish them well in all their new endeavors. Despite everything, I also wish Cyrus and Phil the best in fixing the issues they have going on, and hope I’m not the only one who has learned a lesson from all this.
Former lowly research assistant and now shiny new research engineer, signing off 🙂 thanks everyone!
2. New chair sends non-urgent texts in my off hours (#3 at the link)
Midwesterner that I am, I am unable to be overly direct when I have a conflict with someone. The magic answer was to respond to these text messages asking, “Oh, did you need me to deal with that right now?” It’s indirect, but the message should be clear to most reasonable people: “Why are texting me about this on the weekend?” These texts largely disappeared, but her life also got busy when she had a baby, so correlation or causation?
3. Do I have to refuse to use first names because my manager won’t?
I don’t have a dramatic update, but basically I resolved to respect people’s wishes, even if that meant using first names in front of my supervisor. In the case of people who haven’t specified or who told me they have no preference, I use last names.
My supervisor mostly does not seem to mind; she did once refer to the phenomenon in passing, and while she didn’t sound thrilled, she also didn’t express disapproval (and I think she would if it were a problem for her; she takes a lot of pride in developing us). She has also recommended that the supervisory position I covet remain vacant until I am eligible (about 4 months from now) and frequently talks to me as though the promotion is a foregone conclusion, so she can’t be too displeased with me! Thank you so much for the advice; it gave me the courage to follow my instincts in this situation, and I think it was the right decision.
4. Pregnant coworker keeps saying awful things to my terminally ill sister (first update)
The pregnant coworker actually left that job shortly after the confrontation so we didn’t have to give her any more thought. My sister had to work until the last few weeks of her life (yay capitalism), and we are so grateful for your help in making sure she didn’t have to deal with a bully on top of everything else.
She passed away earlier this year. She spent her final months doing almost everything on her bucket list, including hosting her own funeral a few months before she died (she wanted a party, not a memorial).
She was the kindest and funniest person I have ever known and the stars are dimmer with her gone. It’s kind of special to know that sometimes when I am down an AAM rabbit hole I might bump into her.
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