best friend is dating my employee, coworker tries to scare me, and more — Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My best friend is dating my employee

Your advice was to talk to the employee, because a bit of atypically personal interaction was warranted given how much the employee had to lose. So I did. I reiterated that I didn’t expect my friend to tell me anything so she could talk freely to him, and that while I’ve been his friend through numerous breakups and he’s never turned into a weird stalker/aggressive guy, if he did in this case I’d throw him out the same as anyone else. She said pretty much what he did, that she assumed none of that was going to be a problem, but that it was still good to hear it from me.

I also had a talk with our one middle manager-type employee, saying I was aware there might be an appearance of favoritism and I was guarding against that, but an extra set of eyes looking out for the same problem was welcome. She never mentioned it again, so I don’t think anyone came to her with concerns.

Some commentators wondered about banning these types of relationships, but that’s just not feasible in a small town nor in a bar environment, and certainly not in both. Another wondered about sexism in your response, but I thought that was nonsense.

Long story short (too late), we did go on one trip together and while it wasn’t 100% awkward free, it was short and fun and not an issue. And the main issue became moot when she quit (for good reasons: she was working for me as a second job to clear some debt, and once her finances improved she wanted more free time, which I totally respect). She and my friend are still dating, quite seriously, and we’ve gone on a couple short trips together that haven’t had any awkwardness.

She did hint a few months later about asking to rejoin our team a bit, and I demurred. I had several reasons, but one was that I didn’t want to reopen the issue. I worried about whether that was fair to her or not, but ultimately there were other factors at play (we didn’t really need another staff member, mostly). She and I are becoming friends, despite starting with a different relationship, and things are good.

I’m really glad I wrote in and you answered. It took an issue that hadn’t been a problem but that I thought might become one, and made it a total non-issue. Thanks for the good advice.

2. My boss is upset that I quit without more notice because I’m vital to the business

I did not realize just how toxic working for Amanda was until I started this new job. As some readers speculated, my letter was just the surface of the dysfunction. This was my first long term job in the professional world and I now realize how many red flags I ignored. This whole process has been like bad relationship/break-up.

Amanda reached out to me a few times after I left with questions. I answered at first but after a rude reply from her, I blocked her number. She had to hire two positions to replace me and, from what I have heard, she has had a hard time keeping the positions filled. I feel bad for leaving her in that situation but I also understand that she is one who created that work environment and it is no longer my responsibility.

My new job is amazing. It’s a night and day difference. I start at 9 am and I am done at 5 pm most days. I am not expected to be constantly accessible by phone. Most importantly, I no longer feel like I am drowning at work. I have PTO and a healthy work-life balance is highly encouraged.

And in the happiest news, my fiance (who encouraged me to leave) and I are just a few weeks from the wedding! I am taking almost two weeks off for the wedding/honeymoon and, hopefully, for the first time I won’t spend my time off checking in on and worrying about the office.

3. My coworker thinks it’s funny to try to scare me

I wanted to write in and give an update about the coworker who enjoyed scaring me. It feels like such a scandalous update compared to how bland my problem was but here goes.

So I did get him to stop startling me, at least on purpose. I will say I probably wasn’t as assertive as I could’ve been, looking back at it all these years later. But I asked him to stop and he stopped. I’ll still jump at innocent coworkers’ friendly hellos, but at the very least I’m just startled and not both startled and pissed. I remember some comments not understanding the difference between being startled on accident vs being startled on purpose and to that I say it’s the same thing as being tripped on accident vs being tripped on purpose. Both irritating, but one is usually followed by apologies and laughs and the other is rude.

But in the end, during Covid work-from-home, he was fired for asking another colleague for topless photos.

4. Is it unprofessional to ask to change desks because you don’t like someone?

I planned not to say anything until management told me who my new mentor would be, but it turns out I didn’t need to say anything. Today they pulled me aside and told me they’d picked a new mentor, and asked if I’d like to move my cubicle to be across the aisle from him, so I said yes. Thank you for your advice, I’m glad I let the situation work itself out.