can I go back to my old job, employees share an office and don’t get along, and more — Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I hate my new job — can I go back to my old one?

I worked at a company for over three years. Internally they have their issues and I had my share of frustrations, but it is basically a well oiled machine. As far as growth, there is not much, but I was paid well and had flexibility with my hours, although absolutely no work from home and an hour commute each way.

Three months ago, a colleague who worked with me at this company and left two years prior, asked me to send my resume to her so she could pass it along to her boss. She only had good things to say about her new company so I thought it was a no-brainer when I interviewed and got the job with a 10% increase in pay and a hybrid schedule.

I started the new job three weeks ago, and I am absolutely miserable. I miss my old job, my work, even the colleagues and the frustrations. I am mourning my old life and I want it back. I am also upset with this colleague who presented this new position to me because there are a ton of red flags and it is not a happy place like she said. I really did not plan to be in a position to now be searching for work, but here I am. Do you think it’s worth reaching out to my old manager and seeing if they will accept me back in my old role? As far as I know, they still have not filled the position. I was a good employee there but had a couple minor complaints about personal stuff — too much socializing with another employee, bad attitude during times of stress, but never any issues with my work or work ethic.

I am depressed and having trouble sleeping and eating, completely consumed with how to get back to my old job. Please help!

How much of this is about missing the old job and/or the discomfort of change, and how much is about truly not liking the new job? It might be 100% the latter, but I can’t completely tell from your letter — so I want to make sure you’ve thought that through, because sometimes it can be the change itself and/or missing what’s familiar and comfortable that’s more of the issue. If that’s the case, the solution is to give it more time so that this job starts feeling more comfortable to you, too.

But if you’re confident the problem is the new job and it’s not right for you … you can certainly contact your old manager and ask about the possibility of your coming back. Sometimes people do that! They might or might not be open to it (too much socializing and bad attitude during times of stress could be pretty minor or they could be pretty big), but there’s nothing wrong with asking. Keep in mind that they’ll probably want some assurance that you’ll stay for a while and not immediately be looking again.

There’s also a third option, of staying where you are while looking for a new job (not going back to the old one), which would give you some time to see if you get more used to the new company while you’re actively working on other options. Right now you’re so focused on missing the old job in comparison to the new one that there’s a risk you’re not thinking critically about the frustrations you had there.

It might also be interesting to talk to the colleague who recruited you about what your experience has been at the company so far. It’s possible she’ll have some insight that will change your perspective, or at least help you sort through why you’re having such a different experience there than she’s had.

Related:
I just started my new job and I miss my old one — did I make a mistake?
how to ask for your old job back

2. Instructor said, “Just lie back and think of England”

I am a woman in a mostly male field, if it matters. Recently I was taking an online course to pursue a certification (which I got! Woo), and the instructor made a comment about ignoring something. Specifically he said, “Just lie back and think of England.” I thought that was a horribly sexist/gross thing to say! Especially as an instructor! (For the record, I think “open kimono” is equally appalling.)

I sent him an email that afternoon remarking about my thoughts and advising him to look up that particular phrase and how it could be offensive. I never got a reply, and then felt awkward completing the class for the next few days. Was I out of line?

No, that’s a gross and inappropriate phrase for an instructor to use. For anyone who’s unaware of its origins, it comes from a suggestion that a woman should submit to sexual activity from her spouse even if she’d prefer not to, because of her duties as a wife (and patriot!).

You were not out of line to point that out, and he should have replied to thank you (or at a minimum to say he didn’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable and would be more aware of his language in the future, or so forth). His silence says something about him, not you, and you don’t need to feel awkward.

3. Is expecting an interview on very short notice a bad sign?

Yesterday, at 4:45 pm, I received an email requesting an interview for today between 9 am and 11 am or at 2 pm. I also received a phone call around 10 minutes later. I responded to the email around 5:05 pm, stating I’d be available at 9:15 am today for an interview.

I did not receive a reply until this morning at 8:45. The person scheduling the interview said they were sorry they didn’t see my email earlier and asked if I could do 2:30. I can’t so I emailed back saying no and gave other days/times I could.

She responded saying that the program director is going on vacation tonight, so they’d like to schedule something today and asked if I could be available at 9:30 or 10 today.

While I understand a vacation making things difficult to schedule, I am getting a bad taste of this organization and the job. What say you? Is it a bad sign for this kind of rush job?

Nah, not really. It’s annoying — and if they’re going to email you at the end of the workday proposing an interview for the start of the following day, they really need a plan for checking email that evening to see if you chose that time — but it doesn’t necessarily carry any larger message about the company. It could be a disorganized scheduler and nothing else, or just a rush for legitimate reasons to see if they can get some of the interviews done before the director leaves. It’s not necessarily anything bigger than that.

If you can’t be available on their short notice, you can’t. But I wouldn’t read much into it. If you advance in the process and continue to see signs of disorganization or of “my emergency needs to be your emergency,” that would be different.

4. Two employees share an office and don’t get along

I am a new supervisor and have recently had three employees move under my supervision. At the same time as this transition, two employees moved into a shared office space. (This was a decision made by upper management and it makes sense based on their job duties.) The problem is these two employees do not get along whatsoever and frankly never have. “Sharon” is extremely passive-aggressive when given advice on dealing with situations and is running around the whole company complaining about everything from the shared office to flat-out saying rude things about “Lisa.” It’s extremely unprofessional and needs to stop.

I plan to have a sit-down meeting with Sharon to talk about these issues. I want her to understand I will not tolerate this behavior. I suspect she will put blame on Lisa. She’s mentioned Lisa saying things like “you didn’t give me condolences when my mother-in-law passed away” or “I don’t believe my plants were the cause of your so called allergies.” These comments very well could have happened, so I also plan to sit down with Lisa. I just don’t know the appropriate way to respond when that’s brought up, because while that’s an issue that needs to be addressed, it doesn’t excuse the negativity that she’s spreading around the company.

You should hear her out about Lisa in case there’s something truly egregious that you need to know about and address. But then you should say, “I will be talking with Lisa separately, but this meeting is about my expectations for your behavior and I’m asking you to focus on that right now.”

5. How honest can I be that I need more WFH days if I’m going to stay?

I currently work from home one day a week. Due to a lack of affordability in our area and the space we need, my family have decided to move out of the town where my office is based, a 1.5-hour commute away.

I would like to request an extra day working from home. My bosses have been very lukewarm-to-negative about remote work, but on the other hand there are other people in the office working more remote days than I would be requesting, albeit in a different department.

So I’m going to request the extra day, but how honest should be about what the impact of the decision would have on me staying with the company? They are entitled to say no to to the request, but the reality would be that I would start looking at new jobs. How honest should I be about that?

It depends 100% on how valued you are and how much capital you have. The more they’d be upset to lose you, the more up-front you can be — and even then I’d frame it as “this is something that would let me happily stay with the company long-term,” not as “I’ll need to start job-searching if you say no,” particularly since you can’t control how long that search will take. A decent manager will read between those lines without you having to spell it out more explicitly than that.