company asked if we’d donate a kidney, candy dish drama, and more — Ask a Manager

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Our company asked if we’d donate a kidney to a board member

My previous workplace sent a company-wide email (via the COO) asking if staff would donate a kidney to a 70-year-old board member. The renumeration would be “any costs associated with the surgery and post op care.”

I’m from a different country, and I found this email to be abhorrent! I feel it grossly overstepped boundaries, and reinforced privilege barriers (the majority of the workforce at this company is African American or Hispanic, whilst the board and upper level management are almost exclusively white.) Through research and general knowledge, I found there can be long-term health implications with donating organs, and I don’t feel just offering to pay for a surgery that wasn’t necessary in the first place even scratches the surface in terms of compensation.

My colleagues at the time didn’t think this request was unusual. Am I totally off-base with my disgust?

In the U.S. and many other countries, it’s illegal to offer compensation for an organ beyond covering costs associated with the operation, so that’s why they didn’t offer more than that. (The concern is that paying for organs would exploit poor people and could even be coercive.)

But it was a wildly problematic and inappropriate request anyway. Hopefully no one is going to feel pressured to say yes simply because it comes from above, but there is an inherent pressure when you’ve got those power dynamics in play. Plus, if an employee did donate, what does that mean for their employment there? Will they be given preferential treatment? Will others think they’re being given preferential treatment, regardless of whether they actually are? If the person’s performance worsens, will the employer feel comfortable addressing it the same way they would with someone else? If their job is later cut, will the employee feel betrayed? There’s a ton of potential for messiness here, all of it amplified by power and race differences.

– 2019

2. I told a friend I’d help him, and now he’s bombarding me with urgent messages while I’m working

A coworker of mine recently left my company to head up a nonprofit organization founded by his late father. The organization has very limited resources and is just getting off the ground. I told him I’d be happy to help him out with any marketing-related tasks, so long as it did not interfere with my actual work. Since he left two weeks ago, however, he has been up my proverbial ass with requests and things he “needs” urgently. DURING WORK HOURS. This week, he had the audacity to email my work email address with the word “urgent” in the subject line. Other colleagues have been included on these emails as well, but nobody seems to be perturbed.

Mind you, I told him i would help, but we never had the discussion as to what his marketing needs are and what the time commitment looks like. He just assumed he could start sending me requests.

How should I field this? Should I just not respond to future requests, or should i set the precedence that I am happy to help, but he needs to be respectful of my time and work schedule? I also haven’t received a single please or thank you for anything I have done, and that bothers me too. Do you think it is worth it to say something? He is an adult and I don’t want to scold him, but come on, dude.

It sounds like he may have had a different understanding of what “as long as it doesn’t interfere with my work” meant. He may have thought it meant you’d do stuff for him when you had downtime at work, and not realized you didn’t want to hear from him at work at all. So if you’re still interested in helping him, be really, really explicit with him about what that means. For example: “I can help you with things like X and Y, but I’m not going to be able to do anything during work hours, including fielding questions. You definitely can’t email me at work, and generally I’ll need a few days to get back to you. If things are going to be urgent or need to be moved forward during the work day, that’s not something I can help with. Given that, does it still make sense for me to help out?”

Also, ask directly what kind of time commitment he’s envisioning from you in an average week/month because you might have wildly different expectations there too.

Of course, all that assumes you still want to help him. If you don’t — and it’s absolutely okay if you don’t, particularly given his apparent lack of appreciation of your work and your time — you can say, “I’ve realized this is more of a time commitment than I can take on right now so I should bow out.”

– 2019

3. People are upset that my candy dish is gone

For a couple years, I kept a candy dish on my desk filled with chocolate candies. It was something I enjoyed providing. Sometimes I got frustrated with the greedy ones and the fact that only one person ever contributed candy/money, but it was still something I enjoyed doing.

About a month ago, I saw a financial advisor who told me I needed to cut expenses drastically. I realized I was spending almost $1,000 on candy a year! Yes, that $20-$25 a week really adds up when you multiply it out. So I decided to stop providing candy.

The first week was easy, because I was out of the office. I figured that would give people time to get used to it. We are now into the second week since I have been back, and people are still going by and making comments! “No candy?” “When is the chocolate coming back?” Some want me to explain why it’s gone. One person suggested I could keep buying it but then ask the company to reimburse me! All the people making comments and demanding explanations are the higher-ups in the office. These people probably make four and five times what I make. And to top it all off, there is a drug store with candy for sale right in the building!

I have tried just saying “I’m passing the torch!” Or, as Miss Manners advises in such occasions, giving a tight lipped, weak smile. Still the comments and questions persist! Why do people think they are so entitled to spend my money? And how do I get the comments to stop?

People are thoughtless. Some of them probably don’t realize you were paying for the candy with your own money (versus the company providing it) and some just haven’t stopped to think about how the cost would add up. That’s not entirely surprising — I would have guessed you were spending maybe $5/week on it and never would have guessed it was $20-25. People know they’re taking it but don’t account for how many others take it too, which makes it easier to think it’s a much smaller expense. Which isn’t to say they’d be entitled to it then either, of course! It could be pennies and you’d still be on solid ground in deciding you didn’t want to provide it anymore.

But people complain when they’re used to something delicious being available and then it goes away. That doesn’t mean they’re truly demanding you bring it back — it’s just people being people and not realizing how pushy they sound. Just say, “I was spending too much on it” or “I didn’t want to keep buying it” or “my candy days have come to an end” and don’t let it get to you. If anyone pushes beyond that, you can say, “They sell it downstairs if you want to take over.”

– 2019

4. What do I wear to spend the night with 49 random colleagues?

My organization is sending the entire staff (split into 50-person groups) on overnight team-building retreats. This is not so much a trust exercises and team racing kind of team building as it is we all sit in a room for hours and discuss our mindsets and behaviors (i.e., low physical activity and probably inside).

What is the expected dress code for a work event outside of work, where you will be spending every moment both waking and sleeping with a random selection of colleagues? My workplace has no formal dress code, and outfits vary vastly depending on what department you are in. I have seen colleagues run the gamut from button-ups and ties, to cargo shorts and sandals, to off-the-shoulder flowery tops. I usually wear ankle length pants and bodysuits with a jumper over the top. I don’t wear my work clothes outside of work, as they are way too hot for me.

This retreat is going to be in a very hot place in summer. I assume after the “workday” is done, we will have free time before bed. I am hoping that I would be expected to dress work-like for the work part and could maybe change into a dress or something after, but perhaps I am wrong and I am expected to be work-appropriately covered at all times. Furthermore, the nature of this retreat is that everyone sleeps on mats scattered around a single large room (this is completely normal in my country, although something you would usually do with family and friends). What on earth constitutes work-appropriate sleepwear? I assume my loose tanks with the peek-a-boob baggy arm holes will not cut it.

My colleagues have not been much help when I’ve asked around; most have given me a verbal shrug, and my manager looked a little nervous and said she wasn’t really sure, but that she’d heard that the Big Boss brought a brand new silk pajama set for the executive team version of this retreat earlier in the year. I am getting increasingly worried as the days get hotter and the experience of sharing a hot afternoon and sleeping room with 49 colleagues gets nearer.

First, for the record, this sounds horrible.

I doubt you’re expected to be in business wear even in your free time after work activities are over. I’d say that regardless of your company’s normal dress code, but it’s especially true given that normal work wear for many people attending is already pretty casual. You’ll likely be fine in shorts (as long as they’re not super short), capris, dresses, or even sweats or lounge wear when you’re not in the work portion of the event. (Reasonably nice sweats, not ones with holes or rampant stains.)

As for sleeping … wearing pajamas around coworkers seems awfully seventh-grade-slumber-party-ish to me! (And frankly, loads of people don’t even own pajamas anymore.) I’d go with a t-shirt and sleeping shorts (or lightweight lounge pants if you want more coverage) or something along those lines.

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.