did I scare off a new member of our professional organization? — Ask a Manager

A reader writes:

This isn’t for my job, but it’s for a nonprofit organization related to my career that involves some level of professionalism. I’m afraid that I scared off a new member by coming on too strong to her.

I volunteer at a STEM-related organization that mentors children. My position is at the state level, and a new person just joined at the group level. I met her for the first time at a regular group meeting.

I’ll admit, I’m really attracted to her, but I still wanted to get to know her regardless of whether or not she’s interested. She’s the only other woman I know who’s in my field with some of the same interests I have, and she’s incredibly driven and smart. But I only got to see her for an hour, so I had no real chance to get to know her.

She put her number into my phone, and when I texted my name to her, it showed up on her screen. Here are the texts I’ve sent her since:

[Day we met, T+0]
[STEM-related meme]
Hey just wanted to say it was great meeting you tonight 🙂

Have you been to Teapot Museum by any chance?

[T+1]
The one by [location]?

[T+3]
Hey! Can I call you sometime today? Because there have been some new policies that Organization wants to implement that I’m worried could affect what you want to teach at Teapot Group.

[T+6]
Hi! Just wanted to let you know that Cool Teapot Event is happening on [date] that the kids might want to know about!

All these text messages were labeled as “delivered” until T+8, when they all went to “read.” She didn’t reply to any of them.

I had also found her on LinkedIn and sent a (still pending) request on T+9 (I haven’t done this with other members). On T+10, I invited her to a monthly Teams meeting that I schedule for our group, and she still hasn’t sent an RSVP. On T+12, I called and left a voicemail about future lessons. I’m writing this letter to you on T+14.

I didn’t think much of it at first because she has a job and a master’s program that she’s probably busy with, but to not reply to any of my attempts to reach out? And although none of these are urgent, everything I sent her is related to our organization. Why wouldn’t she have replied at some point? (At this point, I’m also worried that she might not reply if there *is* something urgent.) I can understand forgetting to text back, but there were multiple chances to interact. Not to mention that our organization’s state conference is next month, and I don’t know if she knows about it. (On her end, it’s an opportunity for her to meet other members and learn things about the organization, but also a chance for me to hang out with her again.)

Did I scare her off? Can I still reach out to her?

Nooooo, do not reach out to her again! This is way too much contact when it’s not being returned.

Really, you should have stopped after the second text (the one asking if she’d been to the museum). At that point things were in her court, and continuing to contact her was much too pushy.

There are all kinds of reasons why she might not have responded. Maybe she’s really busy with other things in her life. Maybe she’s not a big texter. Maybe she meant to respond initially but forgot, and then got put off by how many texts accumulated after that. Maybe she picked up on your interest and doesn’t return it and didn’t want to engage for that reason. Maybe she thought, “Whoa, I just attended one meeting of this group to check it out and now I’m being inundated by an amount of contact I didn’t sign up for and which is disproportionate to my level of involvement.”

What’s most interesting to me about your letter is that you have reached out to her eight separate times (!) without any response from her without realizing you needed to stop, and you’re still considering reaching out again! If the roles were reversed — let’s say you went to a meeting of a professional organization and someone you met there texted you six separate times over 10 days without any response from you, then tried to connect on LinkedIn, then left you a voicemail, wouldn’t that feel awfully aggressive and crowding? Like that was a level of investment from them that wasn’t warranted by the existing (minimal) relationship?

I am sorry to say, there is a pretty high likelihood you have scared her off from the organization (or, well, from you). You definitely should not contact her again. You do not need to inform her about the state conference next month. If there is something urgent that she must be contacted about, someone else from the organization should do it, not you (although I’m skeptical that will come up since she has only ever attended a single meeting and may not even remain involved).

You mentioned seeing the state conference as a chance to hang out with her again, but at this point you should assume that won’t happen … and if she does show up there or to another meeting (the chances of which may be quite low now), the only thing you should do is to give her a large amount of space. Do not approach her, and do not go out of your way to try to talk to her. Don’t freeze her out either, since it will make things even more uncomfortable if you seem like you’re upset; smile and say hello if you encounter her, but then leave her alone, to demonstrate that she doesn’t need to worry about you continuing to crowd her.

If by some chance she is interested in getting to know you better (let’s say she was in a coma through all these messages and was delighted to find them when she awoke), your interest in getting to know her has already been made clear and she can approach you. But unless that happens, you really, really need to leave her alone from now on.