director lied to HR about what I told him, fiance’s boss makes me cut her hair, and more — Ask a Manager

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My director lied to HR about what I told him

I’ve worked at my job for a little over two years. Six months after I started, my new boss Pam was hired. Working with her has been challenging, and other departments have been complaining about her unprofessional behavior and tendency to snap at people, bully, and generally be unpleasant.

My department had our once-a-year meetings with our department director, Adam, and all shared how difficult working with Pam has been. I don’t expect anything to actually be addressed (whole other issue with having a department director who is terrified of “confrontation”) but figured that at least now he had all the information and it was up to him how to proceed.

Well, about a week later, my coworker told me that our HR director stopped by and told her how glad she was that it had all been resolved. What? Turns out Adam went to the HR director and said we had all separately come to him in the week after our meetings and told him that everything had been resolved, it was just stress from our conference, Pam was fine, everything was great, and there were no issues.

This conversation never happened. Not only did it not happen, it couldn’t have happened because he and I weren’t in the office at the same time for that entire week, and my other coworkers also didn’t have this conversation with him. Things with Pam definitely haven’t been improved, and one of our team members is leaving rather than continue working with her.

I spoke to our HR director and clarified that I’d never had this conversation with Adam, but I’m not sure what to do next. She believed me and seemed disappointed but I’m not sure anything further will happen. I feel weird meeting or talking to him now, knowing that he’d outright lie to another director about a conversation with me that never happened. Should I talk to him about it? I can’t get past that he’d do something so bizarre.

Wow. Assuming your other coworkers didn’t tell Adam everything was okay (which is a possibility you’ve got to consider!), this is a serious breach from Adam — it’s a violation of his responsibility to your team, and it’s a violation of his responsibility to the company. It’s pretty shocking, actually. It’s a flagrant lie in service of … what? His desire to avoid conflict? His desire to make HR think he has everything under control?

Whether or not to say something to him depends on how much you trust he won’t penalize you for it. If you feel safe speaking up, I’d say, “Jane told me you said we all told you our concerns about Pam had been resolved. I didn’t say that and don’t feel that way. Did I say something to give you that impression?” … and, “I continue to think the problems with Pam are serious ones, and I’ve clarified that to HR.”

Encourage your coworkers to talk to HR directly too so that HR is clear on (a) how much of a problem Pam really is and (b) the extent of Adam’s lie. It’s also reasonable for you to say to HR, “I’m concerned that Adam heard us speak up about a serious problem but then told you we changed our minds and there are no issues. This wasn’t a misunderstanding; I don’t know how to read it as anything other than an attempt to mislead you. Where do we go from here?”

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.

2. My fiance’s boss makes me cut her hair

My question is centered around my fiancé’s boss. I’m a hair stylist, he works in marketing. When his boss found out I do hair, she told him she wanted to come to me to get her hair done. He wasn’t sure at first because we try to keep our personal lives and work lives separate, but she insisted. She says I have to do it for free. She doesn’t just want a quick trim. I have to relax her hair, dye it lighter, cut it, and style it. The process of doing her hair takes hours and I can’t work on other clients during that time, and it costs hundreds of dollars. She doesn’t pay for it or leave me a tip. It ends up costing me money because I’m an independent contractor. I rent my chair in the salon and I have to give the salon a cut of all the money I get paid. She also snaps her fingers at me to get my attention and can sometimes be stuck-up to me and my colleagues and other clients. One time she got mad when I told her my hair color was mine and not dyed after she asked how I keep my bleached hair so healthy and she told my fiancé I had a bit of an attitude. She is not pleasant to work on or be around.

I only said yes to doing her hair because my fiancé begged me to do it since she kept asking him and would not take no for an answer. I thought it would be a one time thing. I can’t keep doing her hair because I’m losing money and this is making me look bad in front of my colleagues and our other clients. It’s straining our relationship. I’m emailing you because I have had it. In order to get her to stop, what should my fiancé say? (I can’t do it because she’s not my boss and besides, if I do she’ll just run to him and get on his back about it.)

Actually, I’d try handling this yourself rather than going through your fiancé. The next time she calls you to schedule an appointment, why not tell her that the salon you work at is no longer allowing you to accept non-paying clients? Or that you’re fully booked for the next four months? Or even just say, “I need to let you know ahead of time that can’t do your hair for free anymore. My rate is $X. Would you still like to book the appointment?” (And there’s nothing wrong with adding a “jerk fee” on to your rate to account for the pain in the ass you know she’ll be.)

If your fiancé thinks this will go over better if she hears it from him first, then he can certainly convey any of this to her. But the key for both of you is to just be matter-of-fact when you deliver the message. Don’t dance around it or try to sugarcoat it. Tell her directly and matter-of-factly as if of course this makes sense, because it does. If she pushes back, just cheerfully say, “Nope, sorry, I do need to charge!” (Or that you don’t have room in your schedule, or so forth.)

– 2018

3. I don’t want to fist-bump my coworker multiple times a day

This seems so petty and insignificant in the grand scheme of things but it’s bugging me and I’m not sure how to handle it.

Fergus is my peer and we have the same title and work in the same department. Broadly speaking, we’re supervisors in customer service. Part of our job involves walking around to ensure that no one needs help answering difficult questions for our clients. So we’re frequently mobile and moving around between desks.

My issue is that Fergus will, at least a couple of times a day, come over and offer his hand for either a fist-bump or high-five during his interactions with me. He does this with everyone as far as I can tell — men, women, young, old, direct reports, peers, etc. There’s no rhyme or reason. Sometimes it’s part of a “Hey, great job!” recognition but other times it’s just part of him saying “I’m leaving for lunch now” or there’s no reason at all, he just comes by and sticks his hand out.

I don’t want to be a stick in the mud because I’m positive his intentions are pure and it’s just part of his way of communicating, but I truly do not want to make physical contact with any of my coworkers beyond the occasional necessary handshake. Social conventions make me feel obligated to return the gesture but I’m internally rolling my eyes as hard as possible while doing so. However, I’m at a loss on how to decline to participate in this without sounding like a complete jerk. Any help at all would be greatly appreciated.

A couple of times a day??

If it were, like, a couple of times a month or even once a week, I’d tell you to think of it the same way you would a handshake, where it would generally come across as rude to refuse (aside from the obvious exceptions, like sickness).

But a couple of times a day is weirdly frequent, and you can opt out.

Next time he sticks out his hand for a fist bump or high five or whatever, try saying, “You know, I’m not really a fist bumper” or “I’m not a big high fiver.” And then follow it up with something else so that statement isn’t just hanging between you in silence. The whole thing might sound like, “You know, I’m not really a fist bumper — but have a great lunch!” or “You know, I’m not really a high fiver, but yeah, I’m excited that we’re publishing the paper!”

(This approach is suitable for unwanted hugs, too — “I’m not a hugger but it’s great to see you,” etc.)

Say it matter-of-factly and cheerfully. You want your tone to convey “this is just a useful thing to know about me … and also, I still like you,” not “you have offended me by trying to touch my skin.”

You might have to do this a couple of times before the message sinks in, but I bet he’ll get the message after the second time.

He might think you’re a little weird, but hey, you already think he’s a little weird so maybe that’s okay.

And if you’re concerned about him thinking you’re being chilly, make a point of counteracting that by being purposefully warm to him in other ways — say something genuinely enthusiastic about the thing he wants to high-five you for, ask him how his day is going when you see him in other contexts, compliment some work he did that you genuinely like, and so forth.

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.

4. Visitors decline my beverage offers but then accept it from other people

I work as a receptionist in an office. I always offer guests who come to meet with people in the office (for interviews or meetings) coffee and water. Some people say yes, some people say no. Several times now, people have said, ”No thanks, I just had some” or just a simple ”No thanks,” BUT when the person who they are there to see comes and ask if they want coffee, the guest says ”YES please, I would LOVE some.” One time, one asked if they had been offered coffee and the guest said, “No I haven’t, but I would like some.”

Why does this happen? Why do they say yes when I literally asked five minutes ago? Do they not want to say no the person they are seeing, even though they don’t actually want it? Do they want to seem like a yes person? When they say no and then yes, it makes it look like I haven’t offered. I’ve already told my manager about this- just in case other employees tell her I never offer. So at least if that happens, she knows I actually do ask.

It can’t be something I’m doing wrong, right? I mean, there are only so many ways to politely ask someone if they would like something to drink. So this makes me wonder, the next time I go to an interview, should I say yes to coffee or water even though I don’t want any? Would it look bad if I say no?

Some people who say no and then yes have probably just changed their minds. They may have said no without thinking and then realized, “Actually, coffee sounds good!” And yes, others might figure they should accept an offer of hospitality from their interviewer, when they didn’t feel that same dynamic with you. Other people are “Aw, hell, they’ve asked twice, I’ll just say yes” people. Or they might be thinking it would be weird to walk into the interview with coffee, but then when the interviewer themselves offers, they decide it’s fine. In other words — there are lots of explanations here, and it’s (a) nothing you’re doing wrong and (b) nothing you should worry about.

When you yourself are interviewing, you can accept coffee/water if you want it, and decline it if you don’t. It’s fine either way. (That said, I did once work with someone who was convinced that she could tell things about candidates by how they handled the offer of a beverage. I asked her about it a long time ago and quoted her in this post, where she said, “It’s a measure of politeness extended, politeness rejected or accepted, and how it’s done. I don’t care if they accept the drink or not, but I do pay attention to how they respond to the offer. Also, I pay attention to whether they dispose of the cup themselves, or leave it for me to do myself. Tells me so much about what kind of person they are.” I think that’s reading far too much into it, but it’s certainly worth remembering that whatever you, you should be polite about it.)

– 2019

4. My boss takes all the work

I work on a small team, led by a supervisor, “Ned,” who has normally been great. Our team members, including Ned, have equivalent qualifications in our field, though Ned is by far the most experienced.

He participates in every project he has time for, on top of his normal tasks. He absorbs new skills like a sponge, almost never delegating new projects to us. When upper management passes special projects down to the team, he intercepts them. If there’s a conference, he’s the only one to attend. What’s baffling is that he has been in this position for about 15 years, and doesn’t seem interested in an upper management role.

The problem isn’t that he takes on more than he can handle. It leaves the rest of us drumming our fingers and without enough work to do. When we suggest new projects, he immediately shuts them down. He won’t consider sharing his responsibilities. I’m fighting for work I’m qualified to do. I don’t have a sense of what could be making him think that we can’t handle it, or why he’s so driven to outperform everyone else. We’re on the same team!

He does have a good handle on the other elements of management. Getting him to delegate real tasks to the team is the difficulty, especially since it’s hard for us to improve without new skills. Maybe the answer is to be more assertive about asking for projects. Maybe we’re sending nonverbal signals that we don’t want to step up our game. Any advice for taking control of the situation?

Talk to him about it! He may have no idea that he’s stifling the rest of you. He may even think that he’s saving you from work, not realizing that you’d like to have that work.

Alternately, it’s possible that this is stemming from insecurity, where he’s afraid that if other people develop their skills, he’ll be outshone … not realizing that would actually reflect well on him as a manager. (And presumably not realizing that giving people opportunities to increase their skills and contribute at higher and higher levels is what a good manager should do, if the context allows for it.) If that’s the problem, you may run into more resistance.

But either way, step one is to talk to him. Say something like this: “I’m really interested in taking on projects like X and Y. I’d like to develop my skills in ABC and I can’t do that without the chance to work on new types of projects. I also often end up without enough work to fill my weeks, and I’m much happier when I’m busy. Would you consider sending more work my way, and in particular things like XYZ?”

If he resists, you could say, “To be honest, this is directly tied to my job satisfaction here. It’s really important to me to get opportunities to take on new things so that I’m not stagnating. If you don’t think I’m ready for those types of projects now, can we talk about what I’d need to work on improving in so that I’m able to take them on in the future?”

– 2018