employee’s outbursts might be hormonal, an overly friendly coworker, and more — Ask a Manager

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I think my employee’s emotional outbursts might be hormone-related

I manage a business with eight employees, which includes one supervisor, Diane, who oversees the daily operations of most of the remaining staff. One of those staff members, Kristine, is a very good employee; however, she periodically has very strong emotional reactions to work situations (and life situations, but we know to focus on the work ones).

Here’s the thing though, in reviewing my notes recently (following Kristine’s most recent outburst) I’ve realized that these emotionally charged reactions occur at a regular interval of every four weeks. Based on the notes and other information informally shared by Kristine, it seems very likely that these exaggerated behaviors are hormone/PMS-related.

While I have no intention of suggesting to Kristine that things may feel worse due to hormones/PMS, would it be completely inappropriate for me to help her supervisor make this connection too? Am I making too big a leap in my assumptions about this?

Should we address these behaviors that only happen every so often (and so predictably)? Even if I don’t say anything to Diane about it, is it inappropriate or “too soft” (I don’t want to be a pushover) of me to use a little more caution in addressing errors, requests, etc. during these times of likely increased sensitivity?

I think you can legitimately point out to Kristine or her manager that this happens at regular four-week intervals, but I wouldn’t speculate to either of them about why that might be. At most, you could say something like, “Given that this is happening at regular intervals, it might be worth talking to a doctor about whether there’s something medical going on.” But anything beyond that is too personal (and also gets into icky historical territory about women and emotions).

And don’t treat her differently during those time periods — it’s too personal, it’s speculation, and you might be wrong. (And a lot of people — everyone? — would be mortified if they learned that their boss was tip-toeing around them when they suspected they had their period! I am cringing just thinking about it.)

Most importantly, what you need from her doesn’t change regardless of the cause of her behavior: You need her to stop having disruptive emotional outbursts, and that’s true whether it’s caused by PMS, her monthly book club meeting, or anything else.

– 2016

Read an update to this letter here.

2. Should employers pay if employees need an extra seat on the plane?

I manage a few people who have large bodies. I am nearly positive that they don’t fit in a standard coach plane seat and would require two seats in order to travel — for context, I have overheard one person saying this on the phone with an airline once and another one told me in passing.

My question is, should the company foot the bill for the extra seat (or, if it’s comparable fare, an upgrade to larger seats in first class) when these employees travel for business? Is this common practice? Both are due to travel to a conference soon and I want to make sure they have the accommodations that they need. For the record, I’m hoping to get an “if you need more space, here’s what to do” policy set and just give that to everyone who travels rather than singling folks out and awkwardly inquiring about whether their body will fit in a single seat.

My opinion is that it would be unethical not to make sure they are taken care of in this regard, but I have a feeling my penny-pinching (and tiny) director will push back and probably even fat-shame. Any ideas on how I can advocate for the company to pay for everyone to have the amount of space they need? Is this as controversial as I think it might be?

It certainly shouldn’t be controversial, although we live in a society that likes to fat-shame so who knows.

But it’s not reasonable to expect people to pay for their own business travel, which is what your director would be doing if she refuses to pay the costs of transporting these employees. And that’s the way to frame it to her — “if we’re asking people to travel for business, we need to pay the full costs of that. We can’t ask people to cover the travel costs involved in business travel, or tell them they’ll need to take a financial loss in order to do their jobs.”

– 2019

3. Friendly coworker asks about my day, afternoon, and night

My coworker, Anna, is incredibly friendly, professional, and brings great energy to the office. I have zero criticisms about her: I love working with her and love her personality. The only thing I’m irked about is that she asks about my day, afternoon, and night … every. single. day! “What are you doing this weekend?” “Where did you go for lunch?” “Are you doing anything tonight?” “How was your day off?” I’m not getting a nosy vibe, just friendly. Thankfully, she doesn’t ask this all at once, but I think it’s too much! This must be her version of phatic expressions.

So far I’ve been responding with “not much, you?” or “nothing special. How about you?” Sometimes I like to be social and share whatever. Should I simply persist with being boring? I have a feeling that this will never end no matter what response I give.

I think I’m mostly annoyed that these questions force me to talk when sometimes I don’t feel like talking. I try to avoid being my own version of “Anna” by consciously asking people yes / no questions, which allows the other person to expand more if they wish. One example: “I hope you got to relax this weekend?”

I suppose I’m writing in for some validation and perhaps a perspective/mantra that would make this less difficult. Is there a way to navigate this? Am I the only one annoyed here? She’s just so lovely and friendly. I don’t want to say anything, but I’m bothered enough to write in!

Some of this is quite normal — “How was your day off?” is a pretty inoffensive question. But I can see how being asked every single day about all aspects of that day would start to feel like an awful lot. It sounds, though, like she’s a warm and friendly person and intends to connect with you and convey warmth and interest in you.

In many cases, questions like these help build warm relationships — she asks what someone is doing that night, the person says they’re seeing a movie with their partner, they talk about the movie, they talk about the partner, boom, now they’re having a more substantive conversation that builds a relationship.

In your case, it’s making you feel weirdly interrogated. That’s no surprise since you’re someone who’s deliberate about asking yes/no questions to coworkers in this context — which is pretty unusual and indicates you’re on the other end of the spectrum from Anna. So you two are just different in this way. (Although I admittedly might have a different read on Anna if you didn’t find her so lovely.)

But it’s fine to persist with vague or boring answers — “nothing much,” “just relaxed,” etc. (I enjoy saying “I am doing NOTHING” with enormous triumph like the tone other people use to announce they got Hamilton tickets. In fact, I take pleasure in bragging about doing nothing, as I feel I am doing the lord’s work by promoting lounging time.)

I don’t think there’s much you can do the being forced to talk when you don’t want to piece of this. That’s just part of working with other people — they’re going to talk to you, say social niceties, etc. I’d focus on the fact that you think Anna is great and this is more about connecting than interrogating you, and perhaps remind yourself that you’re just in different places on the Interest In Interaction scale.

– 2019

4. Should I tell people they’re supposed to cut the tack stitching off their suits?

This is low-risk question, but I was hoping you or your readers could help me address a pet peeve of mine. I live in NYC and see a lot of people, both men and women, while I commute and who I work with, who don’t cut off their “X” tacking. I even saw one person reinforce the tacking! I think this may be a nuance of professional polish that has been lost from common knowledge and I just want to help educate people. But how weird is it to go up to random strangers and be like, here let me cut this thread near your butt (kidding)! Do I try to tell people, for the betterment of fashion-kind or continue to mentally be exasperated at their ignorance? What should I say without sounding obnoxious or condescending?

Strangers: Don’t do it. It’s not your place and while some people might appreciate it, it’s going to be boundary-crossing to others.

People you work with: if you have a decent relationship with them and think they’d appreciate the heads-up, you could say, “Oh! You left the tack stitching on your suit — that little X there that’s supposed to come off after you buy it. Do you want me to cut it for you?”

But really, this is probably something you’re better off ignoring unless you’re with a close friend. It’s not really your business or your problem to solve. This isn’t in the same category as alerting someone that their fly is down or their skirt is tucked into the back of their underwear or other things people feel urgency around fixing immediately.

– 2018