ex-boss wants to be my friend, telling my manager I can’t take work trips, and more — Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My soon-to-be-ex manager wants to be my friend … I’m leaving because of him

Right before my departure (and a week after you posted my letter), Joe threw a surprise going away party for me — despite me repeatedly asking and stating that I did not want a going away party. Fortunately, my work colleagues (who also discouraged Joe from doing this) gave me a heads-up. I was pretty pissed off as the party continued. It was really a celebration of how great Joe’s management is since I got a huge promotion… and I couldn’t have done it without him … So I took your advice immediately!

Our last 1:1 was scheduled following the going away party and the topic was my experience in the department. So as we started, I shared (paraphrasing): “I am deeply disappointed that you did not respect my wishes related to a going away party. You repeatedly disrespected my boundaries and disregarded my feedback while working here. I do not see a reason for me to continue to share feedback, and I see no reason to continue a personal or professional relationship.” He immediately said, “Won’t you need me as a reference?” To which I responded, “I do not believe using you as a reference would be beneficial to my professional reputation.” I then shared some examples of times he disregarded my feedback. Joe was shocked and emotional — and the meeting ended in less than five minutes. I also scheduled an exit interview with HR for the same day, which is typically not done when you receive a promotion or lateral transfer.

Joe is now receiving executive coaching in coordination with HR and we haven’t spoken since. He ignores me in meetings and has chosen not to fill my old role until he does more “soul-searching” (no, I don’t know what that means either). And me? I am absolutely thriving and have never been happier. I have an incredible supervisor and a great team, and I am doing interesting work all over the state. My new supervisor has already recommended to HR that I get another raise and/or promotion next month!

To everyone who commented: I wasn’t ready to interact in the comments at the time the letter was posted (and there are a lot now!) but I read them all and was deeply appreciative. Several made me laugh and one made me cry, reading about your own experience. Your kindness and encouragement helped me confidently enter my new role. Thank you!

2. Should I bring up that our in-office rule is enforced inconsistently on our team? (#4 at the link)

I’d like to thank you and the other readers in the comments for answering my question! As a lifelong goody-two shoes/rule follower, I was overthinking this one I think, so the response really helped me come back down to Earth. Nothing too exciting to report — I resolved to go in one day a week to align with my other team mates schedule, and planned to just suck it up and come in two days a week if my boss or other upper management brought it up. No one ever did.

Unfortunately, my team was subject to layoffs last month so I’m no longer with the company (nothing to do with in-office attendance or performance, all financial). Onwards and upwards to (hopefully) all remote work.

3. How do I gracefully tell my manager I cannot take work trips? (#4 at the link)

I was able to avoid the business trip using your script and have been able to successfully advocate for my needs since then. I was actually able to skip the baseball game this year by being a little more direct with my manager — I didn’t disclose my specific mental health condition, but I did ask not to attend due to the fact that large crowds caused a degree of medical stress that would significantly reduce my function for almost a week. I offered to provide a doctor’s note, but my manager gave me permission not to attend, and said a doctor’s note would not be needed. He alerted the organizer and promised to keep the reason confidential.

Some commenters may take the same position as my mother – that I should be actively working on being able to be in a giant, open stadium with several thousand strangers without having a panic attack. My view is that going to baseball games is not generally a core requirement of software development. Sometimes, the best way to manage triggers is to understand and avoid them. However, I took the comments to heart that travel to conferences may not be one of those situations, and worked with my therapist to develop a plan that would make travel more comfortable. Things such as having a map of the conference on hand, creating a schedule ahead of time of where I want or need to be, building in time to decompress, having a “work buddy” or identifying coworkers who are safe to be around, knowing private places I can duck to if I need a moment to myself, and traveling with a partner. I have not been asked to attend a conference since then, so I haven’t been able to test this, but having the plan makes me a lot more comfortable.

Unfortunately, due to some unrelated issues I have with the company, I’m currently job-searching. I hope that I can work these issues out without needing a new job – I really like the work I do! – but there’s only so much I can control. I am eternally grateful to you and your community for your kindness and advice.

4. My drunken boss tried to kiss me but it’s been handled — what do I say to coworkers? (#3 at the link)

I did use some of the advice you gave but in the end it didn’t come up all that much. An advantage of being fully remote and a general team restructure happening around the same time that obfuscated it a fair bit.

It’s also ended up being the case that the manager has moved on from the company to another one for an entirely unrelated reason, so it’s very much no-longer a topic of conversation at all in an organic way. All’s well that ends well, I guess!

5. Can I back out of a chaotic freelance project? (#2 at the link)

I did back out of the project, wording it similarly to how you suggested. In the process, I messaged the one artist I’d started to tentatively make friends with and let her know the real reason, that I didn’t think the art show was going to happen no matter how much time everyone had to prepare and even though it was theoretically a great opportunity, I didn’t think it was worth waiting around for. She agreed with me and dropped out a few weeks afterward. In those few weeks, though, she relayed to me that one or two more people dropped, it was down to the leader and her handful of best friends, and they were gamely saying “we can do it without you, so there” even as everything fell apart.

When I saw your request for updates, I searched online – I can’t see any evidence of the art show having eventually happened. I don’t know how much drama was involved or whether it went down in sensational flames versus simply being tabled indefinitely, but leaving was obviously the right call. I still chat with my new acquaintance on social media sometimes and she seems like a great person to know in this small industry, even if she’s not a huge name, so at least I got something out of the whole debacle!