I don’t want to be in the middle of my coworker’s crush, a burping boss, and more — Ask a Manager

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I don’t want to be in the middle of my coworker’s crush

Justin is a new coworker who just joined my small team and is in training for the same job I do. I am not in charge of him in any way, but have been showing him parts of the work we are required to do and am involved in the training because I do this work and a lot of the training is on the job. While working on some training, Justin told me that he has a crush on Britney, who is in another department, and began asking some pointed questions about her status and making comments about trying to pursue her romantically.

I have no problem with what Justin does on his own time. These questions and conversations in the workplace do, however, make me uncomfortable. Especially because this conversation involves another coworker who I know only on a professional level. Our team is small and we do occasionally share things about our lives and maybe what we did over the weekend, as well as funny stories about kids and partners on occasion. I really don’t want to escalate this in any way, and the last time I just kinda answered and then “bean-dipped” to another subject. I don’t want to overreact on this, and I am concerned that I am. I want to be able to appropriately respond in a way that is polite and doesn’t damage the relationship. I also don’t want it to feel like I am reprimanding him for poor behavior or anything. I would appreciate your insight on how to handle any further remarks in this regard.

Ick, yeah. I don’t think you’re overreacting. If he wants to ask out Britney, that’s his business, as long as he does it in a work-appropriate way and immediately takes no for an answer. But by talking to you about it, he’s making you part of your colleagues’ romantic concerns in a way that’s inappropriate at work. (It’s also a really high school thing to do. Any chance he’s very young? If he’s not young, this is actually creepier because he should know better after a certain age.)

If he brings it up again, say something like this: “I feel uncomfortable hearing this about a coworker. Can you leave me out of it?” Or, “Sorry, dude, I’m not up for talking about your crush on a coworker. So about (insert work-related topic)…” And if he asks you questions about Britney, tell him, “You’re going to have to talk to Britney directly if you want to know that.” Or, “I don’t feel right having this conversation about a colleague; please leave me out of this.”

I know you asked for polite, and these might not feel super polite, but it really is gross for him to be making this A Thing with coworkers without Britney’s involvement or consent, and you’re doing him a favor by pointing that out.

– 2017

2. I can’t get my coworkers to read my updates or come to my meetings

I am interning in an office for the next three months, and have been tasked with leading a project. The result of this project will be launched several months after my internship has concluded, so my fellow project team members will take it over once I leave.

My issue is that I don’t think my coworkers are as concerned about this project as I am. To give a few examples, I send weekly updates via email that no one reads and I schedule meetings that team members skip without notice beforehand or acknowledgement after. When we have work to be completed, I’ll ask my team members to choose which portions they want to work on, and one particular team member just doesn’t follow through, even after I get our shared supervisor involved.

I don’t know how to address these issues. I’m an intern and have little clout in this organization. The only method I have of holding team members accountable is reminding them repeatedly of deadlines, letting them miss the deadline, and notifying the supervisor if the missed deadline seriously impacts our work. I feel like I want to stop working so hard to keep them up-to-date if they don’t care about this launch as much as I do. I have a sneaking suspicion that once I leave, they’re going to let this project fall through the cracks, but that will not be my problem. How should I continue to address these issues until my internship ends in the next few months?

Well, it’s possible that they’re actually prioritizing correctly — they may have work that takes precedence over this project, and that’s why they’re not invested. And they might not actually need the weekly updates or the meetings. Or maybe they really are supposed to be more involved, and they’re shirking their responsibilities. If that’s the case, that’s not something you have the power to change on your own; you’d need your boss to handle that.

Either way, the best thing to do is to talk to your boss. Explain what’s going on and ask if you’re expecting more involvement from people than you should, or whether you do actually need them reading updates/attending meetings/doing pieces of the work. If it’s the latter, then say this: “I’ve tried talking with people about this quite a bit, and I think it’s at the point where they’ll need to hear it from you, since I don’t have the authority on my own. Could you talk with people about how you need them to be involved?” And if that doesn’t solve it, then go back to your boss and just loop her in — as in, “I wanted to let you know that I’m having trouble getting ___ from people. So I’m doing X, Y, and Z, but I want to make sure you know those other pieces may not be finished by the time I leave unless Jane and Fergus have time for them.”

Beyond that, though, look at ways to streamline what you’re expecting from people. Unless your boss says otherwise, it might be that weekly updates aren’t necessary, and maybe the meetings aren’t either. When people are busy, it’s often the case that if you ask for less of their time, you’ll get it more reliably. (And if this is your one big project while they’re juggling a bunch of things, it’s understandable that you’re more focused on it than they are.)

– 2018

3. My boss has a burping problem

I’ve been at this job for a couple of months now and work with a very small team, about seven, all under one manager. My manager is great, except for one thing — she has a burping problem. She’ll burp loudly throughout the day, every couple of minutes, and usually doesn’t say “excuse me” or pardon herself at all. It’s jarring and frankly irritating, and I find myself glancing up from my computer every couple of minutes when she does it. The office is very small (one room) so there’s no separation or anything.

I don’t know if there’s any sort of medical issue that could be causing it or if it’s just a bad habit. She will typically start each day with one to two bottles of soda, which I’m assuming may contribute.

I don’t know what to do here, or if there is anything I can do. I tend to be on the reserved side and avoid confrontation, personally, so I haven’t broached the topic with any of my coworkers to see if there’s more background/a reason/why no one says anything about it. I’m honestly just kind of nonplussed about the whole situation and thought I’d reach out to see if there was any advice!

Well, it’s possible that it’s a medical condition, which she wouldn’t necessarily disclose to people. (You might be thinking that if that’s the case, the soda is an odd choice as it might exacerbate it, but plenty of people drink soda without regular burping and her beverages aren’t really our business anyway.)

If it’s not a medical condition, that is a lot of burping, so we might as well lean toward assuming it is. And really, if it’s not, there’s nothing to lose by being wrong about that.

Regardless, there’s not really anything you can do to address this. If it’s a medical condition, it’s definitely off-limits … and you’re not likely to find for sure that it’s not — which leaves this in the realm of an annoying behavior that you have to learn to live with.

One adjustment to your thinking that might help: It’s probably better that she’s not saying “excuse me” each time. With it happening every couple of minutes, wouldn’t that be more distracting?

– 2019

4. Should I quit my new job if I can’t get the week of Christmas off?

I started a new job at the end of September where I am a contracted employee through March and I am trying now to get time off for Christmas. In late October, I requested the week off, and was finally told this week that I can only have Christmas Eve and Christmas off. I work a coverage-based job and I am basically the lowest on the totem pole, so I get why that happened.

However, my family is 900 miles away and I would really like to go home for Christmas, which isn’t an option if I don’t have more days off. Am I crazy to quit this job just so I can go home? Maybe I’m acting entitled because I’ve been lucky enough until now to be in school or have more flexible jobs, but I really want to be able to see my family, some of whom I haven’t seen since last year, especially because I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving.

For some added context, in May I was fired from the job I moved here for and my employment has been patchy up until I started my current job. I’m also planning to start a grad program in June. Will quitting this job for a probably petty reason screw me over forever? I’ve already asked my contracting firm, but there’s nothing they can do.

I feel frustrated because I’ve had a bad year what with the firing and also struggling with other non-work stuff, and I’d really just like to be home with my family. I feel like you’ll say I have to suck it up, because it’s only one year, but the work isn’t particularly meaningful, nor is this an important job for my career that would make it feel worth missing Christmas.

It won’t screw you over forever, no, but you’ll need to leave this job off your resume (since you’ll only have worked there a few months). The big question is about your financial situation — can you support yourself if you don’t get another job until you start grad school in June? It can be tough to find jobs for just a few months, but if you can (which might mean temping, retail, or food service), then you’re likely to get a bit of a reset with grad school anyway. But if you’re not certain you can do that and can’t support yourself otherwise, be cautious about walking away from a steady paycheck.

It’s also worth looking at whether something bigger is going on. The combination of the patchy work history, the firing, and your inclination to leave after a couple of months despite that context makes me wonder if there are other pieces to examine: Are you quick to leave jobs when something isn’t to your liking? Do you get bored quickly? Are you picking the wrong jobs? Maybe it’s nothing like that and this has been a string of bad luck, but it’s worth reflecting on (especially before you spend the time and money on grad school!).

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.