I might run into the person whose life I ruined at a work event — Ask a Manager

I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment on my post. I especially thank everyone who spoke with kindness to me about my situation — I obviously still hold much shame for my role in this torrid love triangle. I was catastrophizing and projecting. I assumed this incident had damaged her as much as it damaged me — and the bulk of the comments got me to actually thinking that maybe none of this was a big deal to her at all, especially not after 10 years. So I decided to let it go.

About three months after my letter was published, in a similar meeting with my boss and the same board member, the board member brought up Sarah AGAIN as a designer for the gala-that-may-or-may-not-happen in the future for the project we are working on. And he repeated the conversation almost verbatim — that Sarah had been cheated on and left the area, but came back. I finally asked him how he knew Sarah was back in the area and she said she moved back to [major city over an hour away] and was running a few designing classes at a local nonprofit (which I confirmed on their website).

After the meeting ended, I asked my boss if she had a minute. And I calmly, professionally laid out the situation of one of the most traumatizing events of my personal life — giving my boss only the relevant details, and expressing my concern over Sarah seeing me — that I didn’t know how she would react, I could remain professional, but it might be best if I had a back-of-house role if this project did move forward.

My boss suggested that we go with another designer for the project. However, I didn’t want to take any work away from Sarah. My boss reassured me by saying, “It’s not [board member’s] decision who we pick if we even do pick a designer.” She also guessed that he was so fixated on Sarah because his wife had taken private lessons from Sarah in the past. There are plenty of other designers in the area, and if we even do this project, it’s up to event staff for scheduling any designers, not a board member. And, also, we weren’t even at that stage yet.

Then she commented on me having a better catch with my husband (who everyone in my job knows and loves). She didn’t know my ex personally, but she had heard things about him based on the breakup with Sarah.

So, based on no actual research but hearsay, I think Sarah moved back to our state a little while ago, but is well over an hour away from this small town. I believe she is still working in the job she picked up after she left here, and is doing design on the side with her old contacts in this area. Maybe one day she’ll move back to the area, but with housing prices the way they are I doubt that will be anytime soon. And even if it is … she has every right to move to this town, and I have every right to work here.

A few weeks after this meeting, I was pulling out of the parking lot of my local grocery store when I saw my ex. He did a double-take (my car is VERY conspicuous — I had just bought it weeks before we broke up) and then started smiling and waving as if we were old friends. I had sunglasses on and pretended not to see him, but it sent me spiraling. That grocery store is not exactly one along a major route — it’s mostly a neighborhood grocery store, which means he most likely lived nearby. I don’t know if it was healthy, but I looked up property records in our county using his name. Turns out he bought a house 1.5 miles away from me a year after my husband and I bought our house. He’s literally within walking distance of my home. Is it a coincidence? Probably … but I still feel so violated. He took so much away from me in the 10 years we were together, and for several years after that. He chased me out of a nonprofit I loved that we both volunteered at because he wouldn’t leave me alone to do my own thing there (kept trying to “be friends” and kissed me when we were doing a task alone — my response was to slap him), he has shown up to two previous workplaces under the guise of conducting business so I couldn’t kick him out, and even sent an anonymous package to my house a month before my wedding with books that only he would have thought I would have liked (it was confirmed sent by him when he was confronted about it). I don’t feel safe interacting with him, although I couldn’t tell you what I am afraid of, exactly. He told me right after I broke up with him that he had sociopathic tendencies … and I don’t really know what that means. I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder wondering if I’m going to run into him at the store with my child. I don’t want him anywhere near me or knowing anything about my life these days.

But I also recognized that my spiraling, so long after our breakup, was only hurting me. I’ve been in therapy ever since. But I don’t think I would have considered any of this as trauma without the wonderful commenters on this blog. And a special shoutout to commenter “Don’t Send Your Kids to Hudson University” for recommending the “Something Was Wrong” podcast. I’m on season 16 at the moment. It really did help me put my own experience into a kinder perspective, hearing similar stories of people who were emotionally and mentally abused and also struggled with letting go of these relationships.

So, still feeling lots of shame about the situation and now aware that a man with sociopathic tendencies who thinks he did nothing wrong to me lives less than a 5K race away from me, but I’m trying to navigate through it.