my coworker’s boyfriend hangs out at our desks to flirt — Ask a Manager

A reader writes:

I work in manufacturing, and I more or less have a desk job. My “office” is a clump of desks off to the side of the manufacturing floor. I have a coworker, Laura, who also works in this clump of desks, who is dating a technician. Laura is younger than me, was homeschooled, and sometimes has a hard time picking up on social cues. She has been dating her boyfriend, Nixon, for a few months now. The problem is that he spends every break in our desk clump, to the point that he made himself a folding chair so he can sit by Laura. I am super annoyed every time he is over here. They sit leaned over one another, and are constantly flirting, bickering, giggling, and sometimes even awkwardly touching each other (soft lingering touches on the arm / leg). I have even seen them kiss when they don’t think anyone is around.

I don’t mind that they spend their breaks together, but does it have to be right next to my desk? We have a break room. There is a culture of people taking breaks at their desks here, but his desk is not over here, nor does he really have a desk.

I find having Nixon around really annoying and distracting. He will insert his opinion on things I am working on my computer and most of the time he has no idea what he is talking about. He will also loudly complain about anything and everything that is happening at the company. I have talked to my other coworkers in the desk clump and they are also really annoyed about the situation.

Do I have the right to ask my manager to talk to her (who also manages Laura)? My manager is pretty passive, but I believe he would talk to her if I ask. He has observed some of the behavior, but he isn’t in my building all of the time, so I do not think he knows the extent of the situation. I don’t want to ruin my working relationship with Laura and I believe it would crush her if she heard it was me complaining about her. What should I do in this situation? Do you have any advice for managing upwards, I really don’t want him to mishandle the conversation and worry that he will make her feel awkward around the rest of the people in the desk clump. Would you have any advice for my manager in this situation, if he does go talk to Laura? Should he get Nixon’s manager involved as well?

Yes, you have the standing to talk to your manager and ask him to intervene; Laura and Nixon’s hang-outs are affecting your ability to focus on your work, and that gives you the standing to say something.

However, it would be better to try to address it with Laura directly first — because it might take care of it, because ideally she’d have the opportunity to hear it’s a problem and fix it on her own before you involve your manager, and because there’s a good chance your manager will ask you if you’ve said anything to Laura directly about it and you want to be able to say that you tried to handle it yourself first.

To be clear, there are situations where something is so egregious that none of the above would be considerations, like if she were, I don’t know, being abusive to people or falsifying documents. And if she were known to react hostilely to feedback, she’d have forfeited the opportunity to hear a concern directly from peers before it’s escalated to a manager. But in this case, the right next step is to say to Laura, “It’s really hard to focus with Nixon hanging out here. Could you take breaks with him in the break room instead?”

You can also say something right in the moment when they’re being distracting. It’s fine to say, “I’m having trouble focusing — could I ask you to move to the break room?”

If you try that and it doesn’t work, then the next step is to alert your manager. You’ll have given Laura a chance to fix the problem herself first and if she doesn’t … well, that’s what happens. You said you’re worried she’ll feel crushed, but there’s much less chance of that if you do try to talk to her first. And if she does feel awkward … well, she’s been doing something inconsiderate to the people around her, and sometimes feeling awkward after realizing that is part of how lessons stick. We’ve all been there, and she’ll survive.

You asked if your manager should get Nixon’s manager involved as well, and he could but he doesn’t need to. It’s enough for him to tell Laura, the person he manages, to handle this differently. He could certainly speak to Nixon directly in the moment too if he needs to — there’s nothing wrong with him saying in the middle of one of these interludes, “Nixon, if you don’t need anything work-related from our team, I’m going to ask you to head out since we’ve got folks trying to focus here.” But in his shoes I’d just talk to Laura, tell her to cut it out, and expect her to handle it appropriately from there.