the damaged bookcase, showing armpit hair at work, and more — Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Should I tell a student worker the real reason we’re ending her job? (#2 at the link)

I really appreciated your advice (and the suggestions of the commenters), and it helped frame the nature of my relationship with and responsibilities to my student workers. In practice, though, well…

My boss, who was also my predecessor’s boss, was the person who was adamant that Ciara not be let go earlier and be given a second (and third, and fourth) chance. After spending a lot of time preparing for the conversation and writing out notes of what to say based on your advice, I made the mistake of asking my boss to sit in on the conversation as a neutral third party. Immediately she launched in, saying that Ciara was being let go through no fault of her own, there was truly nothing we could’ve done, and that she’d be happy to serve as a reference in the future. Which, of course, prompted Ciara to ask if she could come back in the fall when her work study funding was renewed. I had to sheepishly slide in, my “we’re firing you” script clenched in my lap, and try to gently convey that we were, in fact, firing her. It was all a bit of a mess, but I think I was ultimately able to hit all the points you suggested and it worked out okay. Ciara left on decently good terms when her funding ran out, and when it came time to hire another student I absolutely hit the jackpot with someone who was curious, motivated, and accountable.

On a broader scale, that one early experience with my boss ended up being indicative of a pretty terrible working relationship. She’d been a professor for most of her career and didn’t have much supervisory experience, and often conflated being a boss with being a bully. She’d assign me extensive, complex projects one week, only to change her mind the next week and send me off on something completely different. She made me ask for her permission whenever I wanted to leave the office (I was a salaried, professional employee)– when I was offered a speaking opportunity in another department, she refused to let me go. A couple times, she yelled at me for “undermining” her, and eventually told me not to “bother her any more with my questions”. It was exhausting and awful. After about 8 months of this, I left for a position at another university in the area.

And I guess, that’s the good news of this update! I love my new job– my boss is kind and competent, the expectations are clearly defined and my work is really interesting to me, and the overall workplace culture is just so much better. I don’t supervise students in my new role, but I learned so much from my previous experience (both as a supervisor and as someone with a bully boss) and I’m excited to utilize that the next time I’m in a management capacity!

2. Can I show armpit hair at work?

I wrote a few years ago to ask about whether hairy armpits were acceptable with professional outfits at the office, and my update is that now (working at a different office, with 6 more years of life and armpit experience), I would never DREAM of going sleeveless at work, hair or no. I have a couple colleagues who do and it’s no big deal, but I have grown to consider underarms an off-the-clock experience, personally.

It has been an interesting adjustment to the professional world, though; at the time I wrote, I was in grad school and in a temporary office job amid a string of gig work and self-employment. I’ve now been at a local government job about a year and a half and have discovered that looking a smidge more polished helps me feel more capable, and that there are a bunch of tricks to balance this goal with my neurodivergent need to be physically comfy during the workday. Most recent discovery is the existence of fake collared “shirts” so I can look like I’m wearing a button-down without anything getting bunched up under my sweater! Also, keeping a cardigan, a blazer, and a super-light jacket at the office has helped me tolerate all kinds of unseasonal temps at my desk. Plus handwarmers and a fan. (I actually would love a reader discussion about gadgets/clothes/adaptations that have helped them feel physically more comfortable at work.)

But as for the armpits: still hairy, now hidden.

Thank you as always for your great advice!

3. Building staff damaged my bookcase (#2 at the link)

Many thanks to Alison and the many commenters for your thoughts! I clarified a few things in the comments: the artwork was business-related, and building maintenance asked that they do any picture hanging to avoid damage to the walls. As to why the bookcase was in the office in the first place: it’s meant to be a client-facing space, but I was given very little money to make the office attractive. I decided that displaying the piece was worth the risk, rather than keeping it in my parents’ attic where it had been for years.

While I was a bit miffed in the moment, I decided (as many of you suggested) to not make much hay. I did mention it in passing to a supervisor, whom I have a good rapport with. He apologized but didn’t offer any resolution–and that was fine by me. I covered the area with a knick knack and nobody is the wiser.