the gossipy ex-coworker, I don’t want to hire a friend, and more — Ask a Manager

Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. Retired coworker keeps coming back to gossip (#3 at the link)

Unfortunately, the retired coworker is someone who will take offense at any direct request to be left alone to do work. He would go up and down the hallway talking loudly to other people about how “So-and-So told me to get lost!!!!” and cause even more of a ruckus. My supervisor is often not there to see what is happening, and was not effective in dealing with him before he retired. (Example: He told our supervisor, “I don’t attend meetings because that’s what works for me,” and she let him keep up that behavior.)

But the good news is, some of the other people the retired coworker liked to bother also retired, and we got some new upper-level management that he may be a little wary of, so he has not been coming in as often. I still get e-mails from him asking about office gossip, but those are much easier to deal with than his in-person disruptions. I either don’t reply or answer in a bland manner, not contributing to, confirming, or denying any gossip. This has effectively taken his obsession with office gossip off my plate.

2. How do I give notice at a job I’m passionate about? (#5 at the link)

I was, in fact, offered the job I was interviewing for. And giving notice was…not without hiccups! I was informed by my new company that in order to be eligible for a year end bonus, I needed to start no later than September 30. I had been explicit throughout the interview process that I wanted to give at least 3 weeks of notice- I really was the linchpin for the program I was building and knew more notice would be the best way to set my boss and colleagues up for success. However, given how long the background check took, I couldn’t give notice until September 13, to provide only 2 weeks. The issue? My boss was set to leave the country on September 19, and would be gone the whole rest of the following week, basically providing only 3 days of transition with her in the office. Remembering your frequent advice that people leave all the time and sometimes timing is bad, but folks just manage, I delivered this news as matter-of-factly as possible.

Boss was Not Pleased. Not pleased with me for leaving at all, not pleased with the notice timing, really just upset all around. However, I held firm- I would be foregoing a bonus if I chose to start later than September 30! And that was the plan, until…the woman who runs my division at my new company inquired how my giving notice had gone. I told her the story, including my boss’s international trip. New company and old company are close partners in the same industry, and new company didn’t want to damage the relationship with the old company, so division head was quite concerned. (Without exaggeration, I can say this was one of the most stressful times of my professional life, worrying that both companies- both of which I respect greatly!- were unhappy with me.)

Division head pulled some strings with HR to allow me to receive a “signing bonus” that was more or less commensurate with what I would have received at year end, and so I provided an additional week’s worth of notice, working 3 weeks total, one week after my old boss returned to the country. My old boss remained cool towards me for leaving, though we are professionals in a small industry- she can’t avoid working with me in the future. I’ll say that I absolutely worked my tush off during my notice period to set my colleagues up for success as best I could, and as I was documenting it all, even I was shocked by how much had been on my plate. I know they were already discussing breaking my role into 2; if they’d asked me, I would have advised 3, because 2 people would be able to handle everything I was doing, but the 3rd person would have been able to get to all the things I wanted to do or should have been doing, but just didn’t have time. I’m not sure how they plan to pay these folks- I was underpaid for how much I was doing already- but I suppose that’s not my problem. I took my nearly 40% pay increase and went to work for a company I had already deeply admired, doing work I’m excited about with people I really enjoy working with.

Thanks to you and the commenters for reassuring me that it really was okay to move on. I wish I could have finished building what we started at my old company, but I’m delighted to be working for a company where the workload expectations are reasonable, and they’re paying me so much more.

3. Do I have to use the phone for my freelance client? (#2 at the link)

Edwina called me a few more times about potential projects, but each time they ended up not going ahead for various reasons. I finally realized that she needs to talk through projects and her feelings in order to wrap her head around what to do — meaning she does on the phone with me what most people do on their own before deciding to hire a freelancer. I imagine she’s one of those people you find in every office who is extremely nice but you have to plan an escape route from when you’re busy.

In the end, someone else has taken over the projects I do regularly for this client, and we have settled into a nice routine of her emailing me the project to ask if I can take it, and me answering yes and then emailing it back when it’s ready. So I didn’t end up taking anyone’s advice specifically, but have come to better understand Edwina’s motivations, and hopefully I can steer the conversation back into focus if we work together again.

I also have a friend who stopped working with a freelance client after she couldn’t take the client calling to destress over projects all the time. My friend absorbed it all and then could no longer function, so that also helped me inform how to draw a line between what’s included in my work and what isn’t. It’s a flexible line, of course, but I think there’s value in examining it now and then and evaluating how clients fill or drain us.

4. My friend applied for a job reporting to me and I don’t want to hire her (#4 at the link)

I got quite lucky in the end and didn’t have to have too hard of a conversation. In her application, friend’s salary expectation was way above our range, which was a great way for me to describe to her that the role was quite junior and wouldn’t be a good fit. She was at a point where she was coming to the end of a contract and getting a little worried about finding her next gig so said she’d take anything but I don’t think she meant this low of a salary and within a few days she’d gotten something way more appropriate.

So she never made it through initial screening and I didn’t need to talk to my boss about her. Her new role has its challenges but the workplace is nicer so although she might still get sucked into things that don’t really affect her, she’s also less negative than she used to be. And I’m totally amenable to listening to a friend vent! So she and I are still great friends.