the out-of-control birthday celebrations, boss wants a timeline for my leaving, and more — Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Birthday celebrations are zooming out of control (#3 at the link)

The birthday celebrations continued for the next few birthdays after I wrote, but I gradually withdrew from them by saying I was too busy to do the prep work and/or doing a quick prep and then making up a conflict for the actual birthday presentation. Thankfully, this trend died out by the time my birthday rolled around, mostly because of multiple layoffs and resignations on the team, including the manager who was spearheading the whole thing. Afterwards, when we were back in the office more regularly, one of my coworkers confided in me how awful the presentations were and they were glad they stopped! We eventually went back to the usual email well wishes.

As a side note, I am no longer at that company, but looking back I see the whole incident as a symptom of the type of workplace we had, where small things often spiraled out of control due to a) the passivity of the overall team manager and the steamrolling nature of the other manager who led the charge and b) a culture in which nobody felt comfortable speaking up when they disagreed about how things were done. I now work on a team of three and our usual birthday celebrations consist of my boss taking all of us out to a nice lunch the next day we’re all in the office, which is great because I genuinely like my coworkers and we get to enjoy the fine dining in our town on the company dime.

Thanks again for your advice and the advice from the commenters!

2. Can I make my spouse wear noise-canceling headphones at home? (#3 at the link; first update here)

I wrote to you about a year ago because my spouse wouldn’t wear noise-canceling headphones or earbuds to work from home, but was constantly shushing me and the kids. My first update was that I realized we were all on edge because one of my kids was suffering from significant anxiety and disrupted sleep at home, and addressing that improved everything.

Well, my second update is that I have moved out and we are going through a divorce. Thank you to the commenters who identified that this demand was a red flag and indicative of some pretty unreasonable expectations about family life and what our obligations were to support his needs. It really wasn’t about this moment but a bigger-picture inability to engage with our family.

It’s really hard right now, and we are all pretty sad, but unfortunately I think this will ultimately be healthier for me and for the kids. I appreciate the AAM community.

3. My boss wants a timeline for me leaving and I haven’t even given notice

I wrote to you back in September 2016, and so much has changed since then. To sum it up: that job didn’t work out, and after being let go in February 2017, I focused on finishing my master’s before diving into the job search. I was determined not to settle for another bad fit, but with bills to pay, I worked temp jobs and did grocery delivery to fill the gap. Despite applying to hundreds of jobs, the rejections kept coming. By December 2018, I was in a very dark place. It had been over two years of searching with no results.

Then, I saw a job opening at a well-respected company in the community. I’d met the recruiter months before and reached out. He suggested a position I felt totally unqualified for, but he believed I had the soft skills they needed. Desperate, I agreed to an interview, and thanks to all the advice here from you and fellow readers, it ended up being the best one I’d ever had — and I got the job. The work was challenging, but my boss was amazing and helped me grow in ways I hadn’t imagined.

In mid-2021, our company was acquired, and by early 2022, my spouse’s health declined rapidly, making their ability to work uncertain. Once again, I was job hunting, but this time I had plenty of opportunities. I got an offer for a WFH job with unlimited PTO that doubled my salary. My old boss understood, having faced a similar situation herself when her husband became disabled 10 years earlier. I’ve been in this new role since summer 2022, and it’s been a great fit, and I have the flexibility to care for my spouse, who has a rare, but thankfully non-fatal neurological condition.

I’m writing to share two things: first, never underestimate your soft skills. If that recruiter hadn’t recognized mine, I wouldn’t have gotten that job. And second, I want to sincerely thank you. Ask a Manager changed my life. Thanks to it, I’m able to support my family on my salary and care for my spouse. I’m deeply grateful for you, and the advice and support of the AAM community.