I just found out my BFF has been my employee’s therapist for years — Ask a Manager

A reader writes:

I have been the direct supervisor of Bob since 2022, but I was also previously his supervisor in another position, I have worked with him in some capacity for almost 10 years. In many ways, he has been my closest friend at work: we work together on many projects and I often talk to him about things going on outside of work and in other relationships.

Recently, my best friend, Lori, a psychiatrist, decided to unload a list of grievances on me and in a heated moment said, “Bob told me that you weren’t supportive of me!” The thing is, as far as I knew, Lori and Bob had never met. I was shocked and asked how she knew him. Turns out she was his psychiatrist for years, including after he decided to come work with me in 2022. Apparently she encouraged him to find a new doctor at that time but he didn’t want to, so she kept him on. I feel that was a conflict of interest.

I feel so betrayed in this situation. There are so many instances where I have said something to either of them about the other, and neither of them ever told me. I feel like they were voyeurs in each other’s lives through me. Also, Lori telling me is a clear HIPAA violation, so now I’m stuck keeping her secret because as angry as I am (I’m considering ending the friendship), I don’t want to destroy her career.

I’m stuck working with Bob. He is realizing that I’m pulling back, but I haven’t said why. My plan is that if it comes up, I’ll say that I’ve “decided to have very strong boundaries at work,” but the whole thing feels horrible, weird, and isolating.

Should I tell my boss or HR? I’m worried that this will spill out somewhere in the future, not through me but maybe through Bob or Lori (neither has demonstrated great decision-making skills), and it will come back to haunt me. Any advice you can give is helpful. I feel stuck and alone in this secret.

Whoa, Lori really messed up here. Bob too to some degree, but Lori had both a professional obligation and a personal one to tell Bob she couldn’t treat him anymore and refer him to someone else.

Bob erred too, but far, far less so. When Lori first told him it would be a conflict of interest to continue to treat him, he should have respected that and realized that talking candidly about his boss (a completely normal thing to want to do in therapy) wouldn’t be appropriate to do with said boss’s best friend and that — as Lori said — he needed to seek a new therapist.

But Lori! Lori violated the very clear ethics of her profession, and the very clear boundaries of best-friendship. Bob doesn’t have nearly the same obligations toward you as his manager as Lori has toward you as her close friend and toward Bob as his therapist. 90% of this, maybe more, is on Lori.

As for what to do … even aside from this situation, it’s a good idea to have better boundaries with Bob. Someone who works for you can’t be a close friend, because the power dynamics in the relationship prevent the relationship from being an equal one (among other reasons, all described here). So yes to establishing more distant boundaries (still friendly, just not friends) — but that’s not because of who Bob’s therapist is, it’s because of who Bob’s boss is.

You should probably let your own boss or HR know about the situation. It’s not an absolute imperative unless you’re concerned that you can’t manage Bob fairly or objectively anymore (in which case you would have a duty to disclose that and ask for a change in the reporting set-up) but if there’s any risk that it will be perceived that way at some point, it’s in everyone’s interest for you to disclose the situation and get ahead of it.

I’m sorry this happened. It’s a major betrayal by a friend and, on her side, of a patient.